2317 06072009

Once in a while, I would manage to hurt myself in the oddest place. This time, I have scared the little space in between my pubic bone and my thigh. I burned myself with the iron and left a very prominent red mark on it. No, I did not do it on purpose. It was too early in the morning and I wasn't dressed. Yes, my clothes is on the ironing board. I'm ironing. How else am I suppose to burn myself with the iron? Duh...

But to think of it, life had left a few scares on me. Emotional scars are always harder to fade then the physical ones. A physical scar could be erase totally with the help of a some lotion or by worst, a laser treatment. But how do one heal an emotional scar? Is there a sure way to erase it forever? I guess the bonus question should be, do I really want to erase it? What is the use of a heart if not to pine for the past and the memories of forgotten love? What is the use of feelings if one could no longer feel the pain and hurt that life have hurdled upon one?

How is it possible to live without a past, mistakes or regrets? How does one grows when there is nothing to strengthens the core of emotion? I for one does not despise my scars. I wear it with true honour and pride. My past, my mistakes, my regrets had made me stronger, tougher, and a very much better person. I would have not learn how to love and cherish if I had not taste fear and lost.

Like the scar in my life, I hold true to every scar I have on my body. It depicts who I was, am and would be. Every scar tells a tale of my life. It might fade over the years. But that would only mean that I would no longer felt that mind numbing, heart stopping sensation every time I think of it. But that doesn't mean that I would not feel the slight tinge of my heart skipping a beat or two when the memory pops up. I guess I really am addicted to it. I like the fact that I have a past, a secret, a life before now. It makes me a person. I'm of flesh and blood as I am of a past and memories. -ends-

1517 29062009

It's Monday again. I don't know when I started to love Mondays. But I do. Monday used to be one of those days that I dread waking up to. It's the day that I used to start my weekend countdown by.

I really don't know when. Don't even know why. It's like falling in love with a friend. One of those feelings that happens slowly and smoothly. A little mix of comfort and respect with a little dash of attraction and a sprinkle of an acquired taste. Ah yes, loving Mondays is like loving a glass of Mojito. It needs an acquire taste. Not something for everyone but for those who have learn to enjoy it will never turn back. I love both.

I remember driving to work today when a pedestrian dash across the highway. For the record, I don't mind banging into one or two of those fools who won't bother to walk a few step ahead to use the zebra white line. I really don't. One less of those idiots, more oxygen for the rest of us. It's just that I hate having to clean up those mess. I'm sure blood will leave some stains on my car. And the thought of having to fill in all the forms and documents and don't we all know how "efficient" those local law enforcement in this country is. I rather waste my time playing Tetris. At the very least those classic puzzle is more entertaining then filling in my address for the hundredth time and telling the same story over and over again. But it's ok. It's a Monday. I'm happy. A bitch in a good mood is certainly something worth celebrating. Maybe over as glass of Mojito? -ends-

2325 23062009

I'm home late again. I love how those street lights shines brightly outside my window. Haven't been updating this blog for the past three days. Ah, how I miss writing here. I did post up my miss adventure in the Eagle Ranch on Rampage. But somehow, it's just not the same. Sitting here now, I take another sip of some English black tea. I like how the sweet taste doesn't linger on my tongue. It stays just long enough for it's present to be notice before it disappear, leaving a slightly bitter after taste. Sort of like some people in my life.

I'm 26 this year. Through out my life, I've seen my fair share of death, made new acquaintance and lost some that I do care about. Ah, I miss these people. I miss the group of girls I used to hang out with during high school. Those few who did keep in contact, I hold them dear to my heart but to those few whom I've lost, I miss you. I take another sip of my Earl Grey.

At this point, I think I even miss my ex dates and boyfriends. I remember those few who made me laugh and those that had helped me through a certain point of my life. Truth is, I couldn't really remember why we didn't work out then. But I guess it's better that we didn't. Wouldn't have want anything to change. I rather taste the bitterness. I grew from each experience. Learn a little more from each of them. I think I'm much better a person now then I was a month ago. Hell, I'm even a better person today as compared to yesterday.

Life had been kind to me in a twisted way. I realise that I've been taking care of myself for so long that I've problem letting other people take care of me. But I like it this way. I like not having to depend on others. This way I could lose just about anyone and I would still survive. Maybe I'm twisted. But I stop mourning the day I found out that my heart isn't going to stop beating just because someone else refuse to return that piece of heart I've given out. Like I've always said, death don't comes easy to those who wished for it. I still need to live. It's just a bitter after taste. It'll fade.

The bitter taste still lingers in my mouth after I gulp down the last cup of tea. I personally love the bitter after taste. Every time it fades away, I always feel like even the most blunt taste will taste much better. Right. Maybe I'm just addicted to bitterness. -ends-

0905 19062009

I'm up early again today. Not early enough to go for a jog but early enough for me to linger around at my balcony with a glass of milk. Yes I have a balcony. That's the reason I got this apartment. I love the fact that I could be out there looking at the highway and close myself off from everything else. Looking down from here, everything else look so small, like little miniature displays moving by with every tick of the clock.

I love how the early air brush through my skin. Ah, I miss you. It's your birthday isn't it? You know what, I think I'm stronger this year. I could think of you and talk of you and not having the need to hold back my tears. I still feel that pang in my heart. But I like how my heart holds back a beat or two when I think of you. I like the way pain surge through those tiny little neurons I have inside of me. It means I still love you.

I breath in another breath of pollution. Well, fuck it, everyone will die someday. I still have to breath anyway. The guys that I dated smokes, hell even my housemate smokes. But if I die tomorrow, I'll say that I'm happy to be around them. I use to hate smokers but age have taught me not to judge. Smokers or not, I love them for who they are. It's just a habit. I have nothing against it.

Truth be told that at this very moment I wish I had learn to smoke. I need to calm down. I seek sanctuary in my work. Currently, it's the one true love in my life. I'm happy when I'm working. I strive hard to get here. Designers don't write. That was what they told me a year ago. I said bullshit. And here I am today. I deserve this.

I lean across the rail a bit too far. I like hanging on like this. It's like tempting fate. I could fall. I know. But it's ok. I've hung on to more shit in life then this and I've survived. Fuck safety. There are too many thing in life that could not be calculated. Things still spins out of control even when we try hard to safe guard it. Why not take that last chance and challenge fate.

I took a step back. Looks like I've been here longer then I thought I would. I need to get to work. I love mornings.I've a feeling that this would be the start of a great day. I love you. -ends-

0005 19062009

Happy Birthday to you....

I know it has been long... but I'll always remember you

You were the reason I love cheese

You were the reason I learn to love, honour and cherish

Heck, you were the reason I am who I am today

Thank you

Happy Birthday

I love you

-in memories forever-

-with misses, kisses, hugs and love-

-waiChing-

1419 18062009

I was browsing the net for some new place to review when I stumble upon a nice phrase from William W. Purkey in Brown Paper Bags.

" Dance like there's nobody watching, love like you'll never get hurt, sing like there's nobody listening, live like it's heaven on earth, and speak from the heart to be heard." - William W. Purkey

How sentimental. I remember the first time I came upon this phrase, I think I was in secondary school. Being a book enthusiast, I've never fail to get my hand on the best book in the library. And, being a librarian means I have the excess to the best literature in the whole school. It was by chance that I stumble onto that thick book of phrases and quotes from famous people. I remember how it fell on the floor and the page turns onto the quotes of William W.Purkey. I thought his name was weird but I remember the way this quote intrigues me.

Somehow I used to always define the phrase as doing everything that we would want to and do it fast. Life life to the fullest, do as much as possible. But perhaps age have thought me well. Today, I depict this differently. When nobody is watching, I dance slowly, when nobody is listening, I sing out of tune, I do everything in my own pace. Yes, I just realise that 5 minutes ago. I need to do things at my own pace. Not what people would expect of me but what I expect of myself.

I'll love the way I want to, live the way I love to and speak from my heart. I'll do this for myself. For once, let me be selfish and let me determine the way I dance, love, sing, live and speak. Let myself be my own best critic. -ends-

0950 18062009

I hate the chill. I woke up to one today. It was raining. Under my blanket, I felt like I'm in a freezer. It's cold outside but my heart felt like it has been hit by a blizzard storm. I sigh as I pull myself out of bed. The sound of the clock on the wall seems to be echoing the sound of my heart beat. 0630... it's still early. Damn, why am I awake at such an early hour?

As I peer through the curtains, looking out at the highway below, I notice that the poster on the billboard have changed. 3 months ago, it was the Terminator. Now it's promoting "Up". But why am I feeling down? Ah.. stupid heart. Be silence.

I hate fighting a cold war. Silence scares me. I've been trained to win in any war at all. I like it when the opponent fights back. It gives me a sudden surge of pride when I win after a hard fight. Or even if I lose, I lose in honor. But, what do I do when there is nothing to fight against?How do I defend myself when there is nothing but silence. Chill....I felt it again.

There is nothing much for me to do now. So I type this in. Not sure if I should post it. Maybe later.... Maybe never... I don't know. I hate it when I'm confuse. Hate not knowing what is to be. Hate the cold chill.... But right now, I hate the silence more. Silence is golden? Which ever idiot who came out with that is a bloody sarcastic bastard. Maybe he could teach me a thing or two. I need more sarcasm in life. Why not? I feel like a bloody joke already. Sarcasm is golden. -ends-